She's driving on two wheels again!
I have had a thought running through my mind for the last week. The kind of thing that is just recurring at the most unusual times, so I thought I should maybe pay attention to it after all. A few weeks ago I recieved an email from one of my sweethearts.
"It was great to see you, I've missed you so much.
Mom and Dad are well and happy to have me. Florida is ok. Still looking for a job, I'll let you know how that goes as soon as I know myself. ;)
I'm very glad to see you feeling better, I've been watching your blog and it seems to me that you've turned a corner. Just remember it's never a mistake to try. If it doesn't work out you'll be fine. People make mistakes all the time.
Don't let anyone tell you you aren't special. You are one of the finest people I know, you're a fabulous woman!
You are too smart, too talented and too funny to think anything otherwise. Be good to yourself, love yourself, you're beautiful and who you are is just enough.
I love you,
J"
It was this phrase, "turned a corner". I have been feeling this winter that I'm in a deep rut and I just couldn't get out. Slowly in the last maybe seven weeks I know I am changed. Somehow I have jummped the track and I'm driving on an unpaved road! I wake up excited to be doing exactly what I'm doing. The world is wide and open. The skies are blue and the smell of success is all around me. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. Well, no, that's not exactly true. I do have an idea. Maybe several.
Step Ten for one. Understanding that loving my husband doesn't always mean what I thought it did is another, and learning to just do it...
Anyway, how do you know if you've "turned a corner"?
I found this old entry in my journal, it's from May 17th 2003.
"...Of course my first reaction is to isolate, to runaway. If I'm alone then I can't hurt anyone and they can't hurt me. I've told Patti I'm thinking about not going on the Cali. trip and maybe taking some time off from Bunko. It feels good to think of just staying home all the time. Not seeing anyone, not going to church. Not being seen.
As a child I found a great comfort in being invisible. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with my life, I want to be ten again, inside my head. Safe. I hate pretending. I feel like such a failure at so many things.
Writting is such a comfort. I should do this more often. I wish I could really write well and say with my pen everything I feel and think. I wish someday I could be an author and touch people. Words are so powerful, like bullets in a gun."
Okay, yeah. I'd say I've definately taken that corner on two wheels.
posted by The Paradoxical Pariah at 9:09 AM
3 Comments:
hi. i know the feeling you described in your old journal entry all too well. sometimes it seems so much easier to just pull the covers over your head and wish the world would just go away...the way you did when you were a kid. but, it seems to me that you're not doing that. it seems to me that you're looking life right straight in the eyes and saying, 'bring it.' i like that...and i enjoy reading your writings. keep it up...and i hope you never feel like running again.
Thanks!
I am determined to face whatever God brings my way, whether painful or fun or even both at the same time. I believe Him when he said "...all things work for good..." Everything is just one more step toward heaven!
There are many forces who wish us to stay in the bondage of fear. We must not let fear rule us. We are to grow, to go, to live life with only a few boundries. That is were we blossom, heal selves and others, and fulfill our destiny. That way we can be really cool old ladies.
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