Excuses, Excuses

I've been thinking a lot lately about the Proverb 31 woman. I've been turning over in my mind the meaning of it and why exactly it's in there to begin with. On some level, I find myself feeling resentful that she should be my goal, my standard. Then there's a place somewhere else within me that wants to acheive her status. I'm torn.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my dry writing spell. That everytime I sit down I find myself surfing the web or just answering email. It used to be that I would hop right out of the shower dripping wet with too many ideas and the words were just there, falling out of me like the droplets of water falling from my body. When I would finish I would read and re-read what I had written and love it. Now I find mostly I just sit here.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the mother I've been to my children all these years and now that I stand at the precipice of the rest of my life with them grown I am afraid to take a step. I am afraid of falling. I am afraid. So I'm sitting down.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my weight loss. I'm thinking that my motivation in acheiving this goal might be skewed. I have never wanted to be evaluated based on my appearance and have purposely kept myself heavier than I should to prove a point. Or so I thought. I can admitt to myself now that it has been a direct challenge to the men in my life. A form of anger and agression, daring them to love me as I am. I never really expected them to. They have. I am motivating myself not to be healthy, but to be sexualy attractive. This feels like I am betraying myself. With every pound I lose I feel shame.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my inability to accept kindness and love from people who care about me. Steve said that I never let him thank me for all that I do for him and his mom. He's right. I feel so undeserving of love. It's easy to get self righteous and talk about the barter system, "tit for tat". The truth is I am still after all this time unworthy of love. When I accept it, I feel like a liar.

I've been thinking a lot lately about dying...


I've been thinking a lot lately.