I will never speak your name

You came out of nowhere.

Just when I thought I was free, I was violently accosted by your memory. It was after all, just a movie. But then, there you were all over the screen. With nowhere to escape, I sucumb to the emotional mugging that took just about two full hours. I was reminded over and over of all the pain wrought in my life in those terrible years. I was reminded of the battle wounds that I carry and the scar tissue that is left ached a little to be reminded...

It is a different ache than that of my childhood scars. In childhood, I was truly a victim. No help, no where to run. My only strategy was to simply out last and be the last one standing, and I am.

This battle between us is not so black and white as I would like to have it. I participated in my destruction. I participated through misplaced trust. I ignored warning signs. I believed you... every word you said. Friendship, kindness even love. Like a hunter, you trained me to trust you just enough to eat out of your hand and then out of the silence, BAM! The gunshot broke and there were great and bloody wounds left in the space that once contained my heart.

Mahatma Gandhi once said "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

I will not live in a world of hatred or bitterness. I refuse to allow you to burden me and I want you to know I will not hate you. I refuse to harbor resentment in the places of my soul where love can abide. I have built a mighty fortress to protect the sacred promises of my life, and though your memory is a loaded cannon pointed at my battlements, I refuse to allow you the victory. I am not the girl I once was. I have learned to be a warrior. I have learned how to heal. I have grown in wisdom and grace. I will win. I will be the last one standing.

I am a Shaman...

and I will, as long as I have breath, I will never speak your name.