For Such a Time as This

Lately I have been asked by different people what the happiest time in my life has been. I've been thinking about this a lot and to be honest, I can't remember a time when I've been happier than I am right now.

Recovery from my addiction has ment the world to me. I think the stability that an honest life has brought to my soul has made all the difference. I have learned the subtle art of re-parenting and loving myself. So, there is a growing sense of value and worth and satisfaction comming from within I have never experienced before. I feel at once beautiful and complete. I feel intelligent and competent. I feel equal to anyone and any situation.

When I was a child I often felt unworthy of everything. I was never good enough and I never was able to view myself as anything other than taking up space. I rarely made eye contact with people, I was hopelessly co-dependant upon unhealthy relationships. I seemed always to be seeking validation from outside sources that were incapable of delivering what I thought I needed to be whole.

This moment and for some moments past I am living. I am strong and thriving in my environment. I had a terrible blow to my ego this week, and though I feel emotional, I am so happy. Happy for the experience and what it has taught me about myself and the world in which I live. How marvelous. How blissfull. How exquisit and tortureous this life can be, and yet, I find my whole life has been a road pointing me to such a time as this...

Joy.

She Stands. Waiting.

A wandering weary traveler, walking through a lonely bustling airport. People all around her rushing, hugging tearful goodbyes, kissing magical, welcoming hellos and she stands. Waiting.

The warmth of the afternoon and the anticipation of the long flight is taking it's toll on her spirit. Nothing terribly noticeable, unless you're paying attention to detail. She is perfectly groomed and accessorized. Hair neatly aranged in ringletts about her shoulders. Flawless skin, radiating last moments of happiness a few days before, and she stands. Waiting.

He's comming. Even if it's just for a minute, to say goodbye. To say, I'll miss you. Her shoulders droop a little and tears flow wildly down cheeks tanned by the sun. He's comming she thinks to herself, and she stands. Waiting.

She begins to pace, back and forth, the clean tiled floor waxed to a high shine like glass. The shoe shine man hocking his talents, the stewardess rushing past with an insincere smile. She lookes out of the windows, she watches all the doors. Willing him to come to her. Her heart is sinking, the clock is ticking and she stands. Waiting.

Security is long and impersonal. She takes her place in line looking back all the while. The children are fidgeting, the elderly are wavering, the bussinessmen are tapping impatient, nervous feet. Slowly progressing toward the momentum of flight. She turns to look back once more as her boots come off, and she stands. Waiting.

Through the xray and the probing watchfull eyes of strangers passing the time she puts her boots back on. The willful spirit that was there moments ago has left and drained her of all her energy. More tears spilling out onto the floor, more compassionate stares from passers by. He didn't come, even just for a minute to say goodbye. To say, I'll miss you. She no longer is standing, but is forever waiting.

On second thought...

When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.




Kahlil Gibran

We are most likely going to crash and burn.

You know that feeling you get when your in a fabulous sports car? Maybe a classic, maybe a convertible, and you're out in the wilderness on some magnificent long forgotten man made highway. The sun is in perfect position and the weather is just a little unpredictable, making the whole experience electric. So you start to drive faster and faster, racing the wind and time and your future, or maybe your past. All the while you can feel that adrenaline rush, your heart is beating wildly and you're breathing heavily and you're loving it...

Except somewhere in the back of your mind there is a little voice that wispers fear.

Do you have your seat belt on?
You know full well you could get a ticket.
What if we hit something?
We are most likely going to crash and burn.

And somehow all those second guesses give you just a little more of a thrill because deep down even if it's just the tiniest bit, you believe it...

Yeah, that's how I feel.
Kinda cool,
Kinda scary,
and really, really fast.

Don't think for a minute...

Don't think for a minute that you can play me.

Don't think for a minute that just because you sound sincere,
I'm not perfectly aware that you might not be.

Don't think for a minute that because I choose to see you as genuine,
kind and considerate,
I'm not perfectly aware that you might not be.

Don't think for a minute that because I choose to believe you
when you say you don't lie,
I'm not perfectly aware that you might be.

Don't think for a minute that because I am happy,
I will sell my self respect for a kiss.

Don't think for a minute that your presentation
will affect my ability to see the real product for sale.

Don't think for a minute that because I laugh and love,
I am not perfectly aware.

Don't think for a minute.

I am perfectly aware.

Kaleidoscope

Sitting on the edge of the pool wtching the blue clear water wave slightly in the breeze. My feet dangled in and out being lifted by the bouyancy.
I was drawn to the diving board and lying on my back I let my head fall back so that up was down and vice versa.
Sometimes we all need a new perspective on life. It's the same old life, just a different way of looking at it.
The blood rushed to my head and almost imediately I could feel my sinuses clog up. Putting my hands lightly over my eyes with my fingers partialy obstructing my view I realised how much I over analyse everything. I could at that moment tell you that the sky was blue and the water was blue, but if I let go of myself for just a second I couldn't tell you which was which.
The breeze drifted across my abdomen tickling my belly button and I just felt so relaxed and in tune with the world.
I knew eventually I was going to have to sit up and get back to it, I was going to have to leave my new found scenery and suddenly the thought came to my mind, "This is exactly why I don't wear a watch."

I need You More...

I need you more, more than yesterday.

I need you more, more than words can say.

I need you more, than ever before, I need you more.

I need you more.



More than the air I breathe.

More than the song I sing.

More than the next heartbeat.

More than anything, and Lord, as time goes by,

I'll be by your side.

Because I never want to go back to my old life.


I need you more, more than yesterday.

I need you more, more than words can say.

I need you more, than ever before.

I need you more, I need you more.





words and music by Lindell Cooley & Bruce Haynes