Everybody Belongs Somewhere

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worries
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free



Tom Petty "Wildflowers"

Vivé!

An electric touch piercing the darkness,

currents racing my blood to reach my heart,

reciting your name and pounding your rythm

in my ears and in my soul.

Tingling toes and sparks fly.

Heat of an embrace in the late August stillness.

Pure energy.

That about sums it up I guess...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I'm Sure I must have been Dreaming

Passionate kisses, tender and soft.

Fall upon lips with the elegance of a ripened peach

in the summertime. Warm and still.

Nectar that seeps from the corner of your mouth,

sweetly capturing my senses, craving to be satisfied.

All the while we find respite in heaven,

Lying side by side and dreaming dreams

of peaches plucked from trees.

Riddle Me This

"Tell me why you want to be a writer."

"Because I like telling a good story."

"What bullshit. I like telling jokes, that doesn't mean I want to be a comedian. Think about what you're saying and don't waste my time with the answer."

"Because words, like art or music can make you feel.

Because words are sustenance and I want to feed you.

Because in all the letters in the alphabet there is an infinite power to dream.

Because when I was a child, words were spoken, but never to me.

Because like a starling, trapped in a cage, I no longer wish to live in my self-imposed prison of silence.

Because sometimes, 'The fish is just the fish. The man is just the man, and the sea is just the sea.' and...

Because I love telling a good story."

You never listened to me.

As I sift and drift through bullshit,
That plagues from day to day,
Would you ever really notice I've gone away?

I'm over the wall,
Over the hill,
Over at your place,
I'm over the safetys,
Over the phone calls,
Over the rage,
What a mistake.

When you've lost the stones to throw,
The ones I found to make a fire,
And all the lonely souls that say so get fired.

What a mistake,
What a mistake,
What a mistake,
What a mistake,

I've never been lost,
I've never been found,
And it make no difference, if I'm around,
There's never been words, there's never been actions
I've never been promises that i've never keep

I just can't seem to get out of this,
Pulling on the threads,
I'm always pulling on the threads,
I'm always pulling on the threads,
What a mistake, mistake.

So as i sift and drift through bullshit,
That plagues from day to day,
Would you ever really notice I've gone away?





Nickelback "Mistake"

The Learning curve from Hell

"You will not be penalized for guessing. Only wrong and blank answers will be counted against you." --ACT instructions


I never once cheated on a test at school.

Know why?

I hear you, you say, "Because you're such a sweetheart, you wouldn't compromise yourself." or "You're too naive, it probably didn't occurr to you."

Wrong. Although I would like to think those things you say about me are true, no one seems to look beyond the sweet exterior to the structure underneath. The reason I never cheated at school, was because I was always the girl with the answers. I was the one whose paper you looked at when you were in school.

You see, I felt that as some misguided joke of the universe I was placed in a scocial standing to which I never belonged. I knew it, even if nobody else did. So, I worked very hard at proving my abilities in everything. Every subject, every sport, every elective. I was that kid who made the learning curve a living hell for you. You probably hated me secretly, but I'm very aware it was just envy.

As I have gotten older I am learning the ever present lesson of life, that it has no pat answers, that life is a test you cannot study for. Imagine.

When I was preparing to take my SAT my junior year in high school I absolutely couldn't believe that my teachers were telling me I couldn't study for it. Rubbish. There has to be a way to study, it's a test! I just have to find a way. Maybe there's a secret society of students who really know the study pattern and only pass the hidden secret along to a brotherhood of students with a secret handshake.

I guess my point in all this is simply, as told me by a friend earlier, life is an adventure. It's not pass or fail. It's a ride. I need to be reminded of those things occasionally. Only because my "id" gets out of controll and I begin to think everything is a test. There are somethings I don't have the answers to, no matter how hard I try to prepare. I find more and more as an adult that I am guessing at my answers to the great and mysterious questions in life. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I am wrong, but neither is because I really know what I'm talking about.

Isn't it comforting to think that God is much like the ACT board. Where only a failure to try is really failure.

LIVE YOUR LIFE. DIE WITH YOUR BOOTS ON.

Food for Thought

Food and I have a special relationship. It's a love/hate kind of thing. I love food, enjoy the sensuality of food. The texture, the smell the experience. Unfortuneately food is a trigger for me when I'm upset or stressed. I can easily binge when I'm sad or angry or deppressed and I can use food to medicate those feelings.
About a year ago I made the decision to not hurt myself with food any longer. The results have been pleasing. I look great, feel great, I'm dealing with much less shame. This, however, does not in any way mean that I never slip. I had a terrible run in with a batch of chocolate chip cookies about two weeks ago... In the whole picture though I am doing rather well, inspite of myself.

Abandonment issues are a big part of my emotional state the last several days. I've made some pretty big mistakes lately concerning relationships and trust and you know what I wanted to make it all better yesterday?

Mmmm....

Carne Asada. Loaded. Pico and Guacamole and a big fat quesadilla.

Yep, I loved it, it actually settled my nerves and made me feel better. How is that possible? I mean really, it's just food.

Have I mentioned how much I Love my Life?

Okay, Okay. I know you guys are going to get bored soon, but really, it's true I LOVE my life right now.

Today in particular.

The last two days have been a real battle for me. I've been stuck in the middle of other people's dissagreements and have felt like a victim once again. I've had to question my judgement and decisions I've made recently. You all know, same life, different day.
So, I was thinking yesterday, mulling over all my fears and woes analysing and disecting every detail at nauseum and I came to some conclusions. Stick with me here, because this is gigantic healing for me.

Most of you who read this blog on a regular basis know that I'm a recovering addict. Sober now for four years and seven months. WOOT! Go Me! There were so many times durring my first years in recovery when I seriously questioned my ability to live a sober life. Since I started in addiction when I was only about twelve or so I ended up with little to no coping skills. When a stressful situation would come up or a problem that I wasn't sure how to fix, I would "check out" as I like to say. Go into addictive behavior to ignore and hide from the problem. In recovery I was forced to deal with my life without the aid of "help" so the smallest thing would literally disable me. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. I was moody, sometimes irrational, completely angry, confused, I was to some extent a child. Progress in my program has taught me, along with a GREAT therapist, how to manage my life and my emotions on a much healthier scale. I am now a fully functional adult!

Getting back to yesterday. I was taking my usual daily walk (sometimes run) around the park close to my home. I was of course analysing my current snafoo and wondering what I could have done differently. Tears came and went, sadness, anger. Then I looked around me and I realized how quiet the neighborhood was. The sky was so very blue and because we are in the monsoon season now big billious clouds hung in the air far to the east giving a brief respite to the heat. The trees were so green from the rain we've had all week, the air smelled sweet, like fresh cut grass. Birds were singing... well, you know.
I love my life.
After my relaxing walk I went straight to the backyard and jummped into my fabulous pool, clothes and shoes and all. There is something about water that comforts me when I'm emotional, especially sad. The way that it holds me, without restricting. The way it feels nurturing like how it must feel to be in the womb.
I love it, I love my life.
So, this is the big deal I'm getting to. Even though things have been in the crapper for the last two days, I'm functioning. I'm beyond functioning, I'm in love. Love with myself, my husband, my family, my environment, my God. Everything. Happiness really is a state of mind. I'm deciding to have a good attitude. Does this mean I won't ever be sad? No. Angry? No. It just means I have taken another giant step toward maturity and healing. Wow. Thanks God.

I love my life.

Things I've Learned about Life this week

1. Truth in Life, with the exception of spiritual truth, is all based on perception. The best way to deal with it is to have a good attitude.

2. Sleep is highly over-rated. Sex however, is not.

3. When, in the course of a relationship, you inadvertently "cast your pearls before swine", it doesn't make the pearls any less genuine or beautiful or valuable.

4. Because one can chose not to value me, does not in any way mean I am not valued by many others.

5. I have many good men of integrity who love me, this is a lesson in and of itself.

6. In relationships with other people determination counts for shit. Either it works or it doesn't, and sometimes it has nothing to do with you.

7. Stress still causes me to break out.

8. Nurturing the wounded is more than just a nine to five job.

9. After a while the word VERBAGE can sound an awful lot like GARBAGE.

And the number ten thing I learned about Life this week is...

10. All things die. This however, is not an end, but a marvelous new begining.